Sometimes he caught himself listening to the sound of his own voice. He thought that in her eyes he would ascent to an angelical stature; and, as he attached the fervent nature of his companion more and more closely to him, he heard the strange impersonal voice which he recognised as his own, insisting on the soul’s incurable lonliness. We cannot give ourselves, it said: we are our own. -James Joyce
Tommorrow is my last day at work here in Washington. I will do the Seattle to Portland ride this weekend, then I’m off to my parents house in Idaho for a while, and then back to Arizona.
I’ve grown pretty fond of Arizona. I feel like it is where I really found myself. When I moved there, I had no family (at least not that I’m close to), no friends, no idea what I was getting myself into. Needless to say, I’ve gone through some pretty low moments there. Extreme lonliness, fear of responsibility, moments of deep depression and anxiety. But I also became an adult in Arizona. I figured out what is important to me, and also how capable I am of making my life a good one. I became strong, both mentally and physically. Stripped of those things that defined me, my home, my family, my boyfriend, school, I was able to be me. I learned how to forge a career for myself, pay the bills, do things that scare me.
When I left Arizona, I wasn’t sure I was going back. But I am. All I can figure is that I still have some more lessons left to learn there. And this time is going to be so much better than last time. Because this time I know who I am.